Friday, August 6, 2010

er, what's with that, weirdo?

This was my week for remembering phrases to do with kids and families, that are nothing less than weird. The phrases are weird, not the kids and families.  Some of those are weird too though  It would seem that there aren’t any substitutes for these phrases, as they’ve stood the test of time (but not in a fuzzy Charles Glass kind of way, if you get my drift.)  Maybe they’re just such fun to say (not nearly as fun as swearwords, mind you) that we can’t hoof them from our repertoire.  
Put the baby down.  WTF!! Even me, the child-lover I am, thinks this is a truly atrocious phrase. I mean did it start off as some kind of a sick joke?  “I’m going to put the baby to sleep and if it doesn’t then I’m going to put it down”?  Maybe it started because, as we all know, you can’t technically PUT anyone to sleep (without the help of some kick-ass narcotics that is), especially not a baby.  It’s really not a funny phrase at all - we simply have to stop saying it.  Put the baby down. I ask you.  You put sick animals down for Pete’s sake!  Perhaps that’s why some poor parents stared rocking their babies.  Just so they could say “I’m going to rock the baby now”.  
Adult time. Um, if I follow the train of thought for phrases like Adult Movies, Adult Interests etc. doesn’t it follow that kids will (eventually) assume “Adult time” is associated with, like, “Adult” activities?  I think it’s high time we really called it what it really is - tired time - a much more accurate description.  Also, I really don’t want to field a thousand questions when they reach puberty and finally ask what the word “Adult” really means.  Consensual sex, window envelopes and mortgages.  
What do you think you’re doing?  Drawing on the couch you imbecile, what does it look like I’m doing?  If we really expected an honest answer we would never ask the question.  Though it would be refreshing.  I mean, just for a change.  Mostly, I get the cunning answer… “Nothing”.   You’re kidding you little shirt, you’re not doing “nothing” because it looks pretty much like you’ve drawn all over the sofa with an Artline pen.  What we should really be asking them is “So, where do you see yourself in 2 years time?  Boys Town?”
Do you want a smack?  Sure mom, I’d love one.  I mean it’s been at least 4 days since my last one and I just feel like I need one more hit, if you’ll excuse the pun.  The worst thing about this phrase is that although actions speak loader than words, the action doesn’t work at all.  Bugger it.
For crying out loud! Like there’s any other way that kids cry.  What would be the point, the whole point is to be loud and heard.  It’s not long before kids twig that “for crying out loud” really means “f..k it”. Actually, I see now that along with “for crying in a bucket”, this saying better stay.  We really can’t have cussing toddlers, after all.
For Pete’s sake!  Who is Pete and why does he have a sake?  I mean, I’m the mom and I don’t have any sake at all!     
Before I get totally carried away I’m going to “give me a break”.  Not a green stick break, not a fracture but a nice, fat coffee break.  On my own.  In the bathroom. With the door locked.

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