I have to give my friend Sean credit for this blog idea. I wish I had thought of it first, but I didn’t and it was simply too good to pass up. His mail to me (concisely put I thought) said quite simply, ‘Jamie Oliver has named his latest kid Buddy Bear. (Ok, he actually said brat, but he doesn’t mean it like that. He’s evil but delightful.) The others are called Petal Blossom Rainbow, Daisy Boo and Poppy Honey. After you have finished vomiting, perhaps there is a future article in this.’
Why in the name of God would you set up your own flesh and blood for such ridicule? I remember thinking when Poppy Honey was born that the name was quite cute. You know, because he is a cook and all and doesn’t like to stray too far from foodie words.
But Buddy Bear? Cheese, that’s going to sit really well with him when he’s a strapping teenager. Let’s not even mention that his poor girlfriend/wife/lover will have to call out “Oh Buddy Bear” in the throes of passion. Yup, that’s sexy right there folks. Poor bloke, he’s going to have to introduce himself as “Hi, I’m Jamie Oliver’s son” for the rest of his life. As for Petal Blossom (because we didn’t quite catch the flower theme on the first name) Rainbow (implying rainbow coloured florals?) and Daisy (again with the garden talk) Boo (Boo, gave you a fright? Boo Hoo? Boo Radley? Boo is close to Pooh?) Quite frankly, there are no words.
It’s not only celebrities who come up with joke-worthy names for their kids. Why, in my very own Grandmothers family, all nine sisters were all called a different version of Sue. Sue, Soekie, Susanna, Ou Soes, Soesie and who knows what the feck else. It’s like those redneck brothers in that TV show from the eighties. You know, Newheart…. "Hi, I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl.
I suppose I should be grateful for parents who are creative when they decide on names for their children. A popular inspiration, I’m sure you’ll agree, is when parent’s combine their names to create a wholly new name. Or they combine two names they do like to create one name that neither of them like. Just Google “combining names” and see just how many people out there think this a cunning idea. As one site puts it; There are no wrong names. (Er, I beg to differ) Combining parts of Mom and Dad are what makes this baby special in the first place. (Riiiight.) Still, you have to marvel; Petronella comes from Peter and Ronelle. Fredella comes from Fred and Ella. Vanessa and Lisette make a stunning Vannette, and joining Jessica and Faye means you get to be… Jessaye.* Who can guess where names like Shanaaz, Hilette and Denvey originate from. I’m only grateful Victoria and David Beckham didn’t decide to do this. Brooklyn (TMI to know where you were conceived BTW) could have been Vivid, and Romeo might have been Davoria.
Needless to say, I knew a girl who changed her name when she was in her twenties. I wondered why and secretly hoped I’d finally met someone who was on the run from the law. She wasn’t, poor girl. It was because her parents had named her Griekie.
To end off, just because I’m so fond of poking fun at celebrities and all, I’ve made a list of some of some of my favorites:
Zuma – son to Gwen Stefani. Clearly. Because he’s such a great role model.
Kal-el – son to Nicholas Cage. Because Arabic names are so hip right now. Let’s not forget the Kal-el was also Superman’s birth name.
Coco – daughter to Courtney Cox. Very original. We’d never have guessed.
Peaches Honeyblossom – daughter to Bob Geldof. Never too far from the hippie era.
Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily – daughter to Michael Hutchence. An obviously choice because it just rolls of the tongue, doesn’t it?
Teddy Jo, Speck Wildhorse and Hud – sons of John Cougar Mellencamp. Understandable I suppose. I mean if you voluntarily adopted the middle name Cougar for yourself. Also, it ain’t southern if it ain’t two names or single syllable.
Apple and Moses – offspring of Gwyneth Paltrow. Ok, I get it. Your names Gwyneth. You wanted to keep it simple.
Zahara Marley, Maddox Chivan, Siloh Nouvel, Pax Thien – football team belonging to Brad and Angelina. We’re so cool, so rich and co good looking we can name our kids whatever we want.
Sparrow. Genderless offspring to Nicole Ritchie. Mmmm. One flew over the cuckoo’s nest?
Hopper – son to Sean Penn – not a lot I can say about this one.
Kyd – son to David Duchovny – very short sighted. Kyd for short time, adult for longer.
Last but not least…
Jermajesty – son to Jermaine Jackson. Not at all because he was trying to outdo brother MJ’s Prince Michael 1, Prince Michael 2 and Paris Michael.
*I shit you not. These are real combinations that I found on the web. Frightening.