Friday, September 17, 2010

allies unite...

I know why wrinklies, specifically grandparents, get along so well with kids - they have so much in common.  True, there are some oldies out there (Grumpy Old Farts - a.k.a GOF’s) who don’t want to ackowledge  the similarity but my advice to them is: make allies where you can. In order to demonstrate my theory, I’ve made a list of  the similarities between wrinklies and kids. This is well researched and written whilst sober. More or less.

They have to wear flat, sensible shoes with non-slip soles. They have to eat food that’s easy to chew and even easier to digest. Under no circumstances serve them spicy food. Upsets their mind before it upsets their stomach. They miss the point. They take a long time to get to the point. They very often can’t see the point at all, even after it’s pointed out. They think they know everything. They pretend to know everything. They’ll tell you everything they think you ought to know.

They have a flexible approach when it comes to time-keeping. No wait, make that a complete disregard for time-keeping. They get cranky in restaurants when the waiter doesn’t come quickly with their food.  They get cranky about quite a lot of things, most of which are things you can do absolutely nothing about.

They make funny noises when they eat. They pee in their pants. Strike that and make it, they struggle to keep many of their bodily fluids where they belong. They don’t always realise when there is food stuck on  their face.  

They are prone to dawdling. They walk slowly on purpose, just to irritate you.  They walk slowly unintentionally, but it still irritates you. They repeat themselves. A lot. They repeat their jokes. A lot. They can make you contemplate pouring your evening drink a little early. They take a really long time to tell a really short story.

They dress themselves in weird clothes then comment on the clothes that other people are wearing. They stare at strangers. They point at strangers. They (seemingly) don’t really care what people think of them. 

They steal shiny things. They lie about their age. They forget their age. They’re quite nosy. They’re petulant when they don’t get their own way. They swear under their breath. They swear out loud at inopportune moments.  They talk to themselves. They’re frightened by loud noises, unless that is, they’re making it themselves. They’re not big on compromise and though they’re actually quite adaptable, they’d rather inconvenience you than inconvenience themselves.  I think perhaps the only thing (other than having a good memory, that is) that they don’t have in common is a blue-rinse. But I’ll bet if you asked a kid, well hell, they'd be all for it.

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