Tuesday, August 17, 2010

the kitchen's closed...

Celebrity parents. It’s enough to make you want to chew your arm off, really.  Of all the truly mind blowing things that celebrities say, the most irritating have to be the things they blab about parenting. 
For starters… “We’re very hands on and don’t have a lot of help.”  Um, riiiight.  Let me get this straight. You have like, three to six kids and you don’t have a “lot” of help?  Puh-leeeease.  You and Mr Handsome-pants are away for work (modeling, singing, acting, designing your fashion range, getting caught philandering) for what, 4-8 weeks of the year?  Even if you fly the coop at different times, that would mean for roughly 8-16 weeks of the year, only one parent at a time is responsible for the whole shebang?  

I can only assume that their idea of  “not a lot of help” is very different to mine.   I’m sorry, truly I am, but I simply cannot believe, nor picture, one celebrity parent doing the hard yards with two, let alone six, kids. On their own.  With not a “lot” of help.  Given that they also have to take time out to learn lines, have meetings, socialise, get pampered and preened, rehearse, practice, smoke joints, get pampered and preened, go to the gym and get their plastic surgery done, it would seem that they may just be pony-ing up the truth.  Just a bit. Cheeses. We’re hands on… gimme a break.

My favorite quotes have to be the ones on nutrition.  Heidi Klum – bless her tiny size six bum – was quoted saying something like: “We all eat the same meal, right from the baby to the oldest.  And when the kitchen is closed, the kitchen is closed."  (She did say, in fairness, that the baby’s food is liquidized.)  Given Mrs Seals svelte form, I’d say the kitchen was probably never really open in the first place.  And if it was, it couldn’t have been for very long.  Anyone who has tried to get a baby, toddler or child to settle when they are still hungry, knows that it is a daring statement to say, “the kitchen is closed”.  Unless, that is, the “little bit of help” is getting up to fix a snack for the offending hungry child while the folks aren’t looking.

And then, folks, there’s Tom Cruise.  Poster boy for the Vitamins to Cure Post-natal Depression Campaign.  And all this time I thought he was an actor and not a world famous Psychiatrist!  Shame on me.  Er, Tom dear, it’s called Complimentary Medicine.  It’s supposed to compliment not replace, the other medicine you might need.  Geddit?  You can tell that his split between spending time in the real word and on a set is not quite equal - that green screen may finally be getting to him. Vitamin advice, dear friends, from a man who hasn’t even had the balls to age gracefully. Perhaps I should write him a note telling him that anti-oxidants, vitamins and good nutrition are recommended for staying youthful? Plastic surgery, Tom? Nope, not me. Botox Tom?  Bo whaaat?  Fillers Tom?  Never even heard of them!  Real natural, Tom.  No really, we can tell. Nice one.


  1. "About Me
    Lianne Protheroe
    I’ve had had various career reincarnations"

    Okay Mrs Liannie Stewart-Burger Protheroe .. sjoe! No more career reincarnations ... this time we are aiming for incarnations ... published, famous and loads of "help" for the wheeeeee ones. Loved Mr Crews ...

  2. Li, how come i haven't read any of your stuff before??!! This is brilliant -should be a regular column in the paper (or is it in Cape Town?). Honestly, is this your writing, cos if it is, it should be where everyone can read it. Absolutely love it!

  3. Thanks Fiona, you're too kind, too kind. It's indeed my writing and some days it keeps me from nipping the bottle and some days it encourages me to nip at the bottle. Either way, keeps me out of trouble. Thanks for the readership!