Friday, July 29, 2011

so you think you can...

So it’s finally cold in Cape Town and while I’m having coffee with my friend Good-Knitter this week, she’s bandying around these knitted glove thingies.  You know the no finger ones like Fagan wears in Oliver Twist? I think they’re very cunning. After all, it’s tricky to pick your nose, wipe your bum and do a whole bunch of stuff if you have fingers on your gloves.

Incase you’re wondering, Best Knitter is the friend who provided me with blog-fodder for my piece ‘Hot Fuzz’, which was based on the book ‘Wild Knitting’ that she loaned me.  Oh the excitement!

She kindly forwards me her monthly Knitting Newsletter, which is all about the latest patterns and has included in the past: miniature knitted Royal Families, knitted cars (life sized, go figure) and knitted cell phones (we’re all against radiation, right?)  The latest pattern was very useful. Knitted cups and saucers.  Riiiight.

Back to the gloves. In a patient voice she was explaining how the thumb part is created and though I was nodding knowingly, it sounded entirely unachievable as it goes waaaay beyond knit one pearl one. We decided that some people are just knitting-show offs and that there could be a show dedicated to this. So You Think You Can Knit. I daresay, it would have a wider following then you could ever imagine.  Do you know that there are actual knitting café’s around the world now? I’ll bet Gwyneth Paltrow owns one.

Contestants in SYTYCK would be given three balls of wool, two needles and limited amount of time to complete their piece. Kind of like Project Runway but without all the bitchy fashionistas.  Votes would be based on the most creative design (again, knit-one-pearl-one just won’t cut it here) and for interesting wool variations, perhaps incorporating things like your own hair. (And I know this can be done because Good Knitter actually knows someone who as a teddy bear knitted out of her chow’s fur.) There wouldn’t be enough chairs on stage for everyone and contestants would be plied with lots of booze.

To be fair, this idea isn’t totally original. Best Kisser (supported by the other men in the room at the time) already came up with an alternative show to  So You Think You Can Dance. The unanimous decision is that So You Think You Can F(beep)K is going to be the next big thing and given the drivel on TV, I don’t doubt the producers would have a stab at it, if you’ll excuse the pun. I mean apparently there’s a market out there for the Naked News. Which reminds me, which part do you take seriously, the news or the nakedness?

Here are some other ideas Fox dotcom might want to consider:

So You Think You Can Play Ping-Pong.  No fancy stuff with netherparts allowed.  Strictly bat and ball here folks.

So You Think You Can Get Married. Mormons have the edge on the rest of us here and are automatically disqualified.  Sharp objects must be left at home, including nail scissors (oh the shame of a bride who doesn’t have a French manicure!)

So You Think You Can Quarrel. People who have previously been on Jerry Springer won’t be allowed to compete as they’re already considered professionals.  Couples who’ve been married longer than 20 years also can’t compete because they don’t even realize that they’re quarreling anymore.

So You Think You Can Serve Me.  For all those annoying people who love to gripe in restaurants.  Camera ‘number two’ would show the behind-the-scenes shots of what servers do to your food to get their revenge.

So You Think You Can Walk Funny : no one legged contestants allowed (unfair advantage).  Props such as mechanical horses, g-strings, tight underpants, high-heels and chilli powder are allowed (to encourage diversity).

And finally,

So You Think You Can Sound Stupid.  OK, OK. I know that the Kardashians already have dibs on this slot but still, there are so many stupid people out there it seems a shame not to capitalize.

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