Obviously, as I arrived in the USA this week, I have stumbled upon a myriad of hot topics for blogging. Probably enough to fuel a lifetime of writing, such is the funniness of the American nation. That might be a bit unfair really, because truth be told I find lots of things funny about lots of foreign nations.
OK, so after we’ve gone for a powerful power walk, spotted a dolphin, chatted about crap and had a fiercely frozen smoothie, we end up in Belmont Shore. At least I think it’s where we were. I’ve been very confused since arriving in California because all the neighbourhoods look so similar to me - probably because they are so similar. Even though I am still wearing my sporty “Wheelchair-man Fetish” lycra leggings (which trust me, is a frightening story for another day), we feel smart enough to cruise the shops and check out what’s happenin’ stateside in the fashion world. After trawling a few costume shops - remember Halloween is round the corner - and pondering the appropriateness of some costumes (Sexy Harem Girl, Hospital Scrubs Girl and Wicked Nurse Knockout spring to mind) we find a really cool boutique called Saga.
The clothes were great, but what really got my attention was a screen in the shop. Not so discreetly tucked away, it was playing an advertorial on a loop for a product called Pick-Me-Up breast lift tape. It starts with showing a woman’s breasts, naked as the day they reached puberty. One is covered by something I later found out is called a “Smooth’em Nipple Concealer”, which actually looks much, much more tragic than it sounds. At first I thought it was plastic surgery gone wrong. You know, like they mislaid the poor woman’s nipple during the procedure and decided to put a piece of flat pinkish fabric there instead, hoping of course that she’d never notice. Then you see a finely groomed woman’s hand niftily placing a oblong shaped, transparent sticker thing over the other breast.
The finely groomed hand first attaches it along the bottom of the breast, just below the remaining nipple, hikes the breast up and sticks it to the flesh just under the collarbone. Now, although there is a great improvement in breast perkiness, I have to say that it looks like a bad joke waiting to happen. What happens if you are a sweaty person (everyone is in a nightclub, aren’t they?) and this causes the adhesive to become unstuck. I can just see the scene unfolding. Guy notices girl in bar. Guy goes over to chat her up. Guy notices incredibly perky breasts. Girl notices guy noticing incredibly perky breasts. Girl gets all sweaty and nervous because she knows perkiness is fake. Sweat causes adhesive to stop working. Guy notices one breast dropping down un-nervingly quickly to less perkiness. Guy withdraws offer to buy girl a drink. Girl is so embarrassed that she never regains her normal skin tone. Really, it’s just to horrific to think about.
Me being the weirdo I am, I quickly write down the www address and vow to look up this product as soon as we’re home. The site is called purestylegirlfriends.com but it should be called faketitsandarse.com. Here, very briefly, are some of the products you can purchase. Bump and Jump-a-cup (bigger - always bigger - with more cleavage), Bump-a-Booty (pads to sculpt and shape the derrière - because butts always need more padding, right?), Cover-a-cup (who knows) Gather-the-girls (to gather together wayward tits that are holidaying under your armpits) and of course my all time favorites - Smooth ‘em Non or fully Adhesive’s (to squish and cover nipples).
I cannot imagine a guys disappointment, and a girl’s embarrassment, when they finally get into the sack. Her spell on him will be broken the minute he discovers that not only are her breasts saggy and wayward, but her bum ain’t nothing butt. It’s like lying about being clever. Sooner or later you’re just going to sound dumb.
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