I don’t know why I did it. I knew better, but still I did it. I suppose Blondie inspired me – she’s always so darn well groomed. Her head of hair is always sleek and as for facial hair, well, it’s non-existent. She tells me her secret is threading.
I know I’m being naff, but the very idea of someone ripping out my hair from the roots, brings tears to my eyes. So does the thought of applying hot wax to my face but hot wax was the ‘good idea’ that I had today because it’s “so easy to do at home”.
The fact that there’s hair growing on my face at all is a mystery to me. I just don’t get it from an evolutionary point of view (hint to God, please send an obvious answer - cloud writing would work). I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s been a fuckup in the messages to the hair follicle department, causing the hair that’s supposed to be growing on my eyelashes to grow on my mustache instead. It’s the only way to explain the imbalance.
To be true, I have tried other solutions for facial hair in the past, specifically, bleaching. I thought that if you bleached your facial hair it wouldn’t be noticeable. I was wrong, of course, as Vikings have already proven. Such was the outcome that I ended up with a resplendent blonde moustache, shiny as Playboy pinup’s locks. Every time I moved my mouth it looked as if there was a tiny stripper caterpillar writhing around on my top lip.
The wax kit I bought today looked innocent enough from the outside, though in retrospect if I look closely at the drawing on the box, it shows a lady sitting in an awkward pose. She’s either looking down (at her nether parts, I wonder?) or is sitting in a ‘pose of pain’. She might even be crying. I’m going with the latter.
The kit involves a small metal container that you heat on the stove till it’s soft enough to apply. Never a fan of reading instructions, I didn't take note that it shouldn’t bubble. I also didn't note that if are foolish enough to overheat it, you have to wait a while for the wax to cool before applying it. Duh.
I applied the scalding mixture to my mustachy bits and howled in pain. For the hundredth time, I just don’t get people who like S&M. As for the whole Brazilian waxing thing, it’s inconceivable to me. (I’m working off the assumption that the skin on my face is tougher than ‘down there’. Brutal, bloody brutal, is all I have to say.)
After waiting for the wax to cool down, I applied it to my movember. So far so good. Then came the time to remove the wax. Holy schiznick, the pain was worse than when I applied the hot wax in the first place! I could already tell that there was no way I was going to make it though to the end. Inexplicably, the wax was removing several layers of skin whilst actually leaving the offending whiskers firmly embedded. WTF??!?!?
I realised that there was no way in hell I could continue ‘peeling’ till the movember was completely gone. Panicking, I looked around for a solution. Ah. Nail scissors! I could cut the wax off. But no, this turned out to be a high-risk solution. I came dangerously close to cutting my lip clean off.
In the end, I had to run a basin of hot water in an attempt to 'melt' off the wax. It was a whole new level of torture when I had to repeatedly submerge my chin, mouth and nose into the boiling water. Still, it was nothing compared to ripping off the wax.
I now have a hairy, red, blotchy mustache show for my efforts and all I have to say is, pluck that shit, I’m not doing this hair removal crap anymore.