Friday, March 9, 2012

green is for go ... to the doctor

I’ve been sick this week so my alter ego, Grumpyfuck, has taken over my personality. There’s something about being sick makes me seeeerrriaaasly miff.  Is it too much to ask to have perfect health and perfect weather year all round? They’re such simple needs, really.

Of course, sickness isn’t really newsy or exciting and by even admitting to health issues I sound like one of those old farts who likes to talk about their ailments.  It got me thinking though, about how it might be time to write a long letter to God, questioning where exactly he was going with this whole illness and disease business.

My first message to God regarding the whole body-fail business was via Twitter but apparently he’s not on Twitter (another shortcoming perhaps?) because he didn’t reply. It read, “Dear God. The whole menstrual cycle thing? Not your best work”. 

He certainly didn’t take the hint (it’s because I don’t pray enough, isn’t it?) as there’s been no improvement in that area to date. He probably thought that I was a bit of an upstart for suggesting he could have tried harder. Lucky for me, it turns out he’s an open-minded, approachable kind of chap as he didn’t strike me down with lightening. (Although given that he hasn’t changed the whole menstrual cycle thing I have my doubts as to whether he can actually do the whole lightening thing at all. I do miss those KZN electric storms - it might have been a fabulous way to go.)

Back to the bacteria. What exactly is their purpose?  I’m told we get sick as a way of strengthening our immune systems but if there were no bacteria to fight off, then our immune systems wouldn’t need to be so strong.  We’d all be milling around, in perfectly good health, having a fine time. 

Then there’s the natural selection theory.  The weak get sick (bad news for me) and the strong don’t – or at least do but get better eventually. But why can’t the weakest never be born in the first place? (although that'd be really bad news for me). Is the whole sales pitch ‘you’re a winner because your sperm came first place’ a hoax?

My more esoteric friends (I’m a little hokey) tell me that you get sick when your spirit is sending an important message to you.  That’s very kind of you, spirit, giving me the whole heads-up and all, but don’t you think it might be rather more effective to erect a big neon sign above the kettle?  This cryptic shit is for the birds.

Of course, the problems only start with illness itself, then there’s the treatment.  Why are there twenty thousand mucolytics on the market?  Surely one really kick-ass one is the way to go?  If we’ve been able to mastermind a universal remote then surely a universal-illness pill should be imminent? Now that’s innovative thinking right there, folks (take the hint, Cipla).

And if we really have to get sick, can’t we all just get the same sickness but in varying degrees (depending on how shitty you've been), using the same treatment but just doubling up as need be? 

As for stomach bugs. Puking and shooting through the eye of a needle? Really? That’s the best plan Big G could come up with?  If a virus or tummy bug entered my body via the air then surely I should just be able to fart it out – redistribute it via the air, so to speak.

More than anything, kids should not be subject to illness.  Really.  Till you’re old enough to read Lord of the Rings you shouldn’t get sick. 
(P.S.  I know that without illness there’s would be a lot of medical folk and pharmaceuticals out of work, but think of all the fun they could have doing other things instead? Hiking, singing, becoming tennis instructors, that kind of thing.)

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