Thursday, December 8, 2011

Mug shot.... A story from the Argentinian Edge

Because it's the season to be jolly, and jolly funny, I've hustled together some of my favorite funny people to appear as guest bloggers.  Just my little way of spreading the Christmas Cheer. 
Chanelle is a would-be-country bumkin who, straight out of school, moved to the big city. As Cape Town became too small, she moved to another big city and currently lives in Buenos Aires.  When she's not making jokes, she's making people laugh and when she's not doing, that she's sleeping.

Introducing the fiercely funny Chanelle Le Roux with her tips on how to survive Big City Living...

Some might say it is luck that has resulted in me ´free from mug´ after 5 years of taking public transport and walking to work.  I myself put it down to some well thought out tips in order to scare off potential 9 to 5 muggers. So here it is:  10 top-to-toe tips on how to avoid the mug.

The ponytail – unless you are a gymnast who just can’t live without one - don’t do it! The ponytail is the handle to harassment. It is a lot easier to grab and pull a bopping ponytail than it is lose hair. On that note don’t be scared to wash your hair infrequently to get that grunge look. People tend not to approach dirty looking folk.

Make down – ease off on the make up when you are walking to and from work. This will make you look tired and if you are anything like me when you are tired, muggers will avoid coming even 5 metres close to you. Bags under your eyes are a great way to make people think you just might be on drugs and if you are, people will generally steer clear of you.

Under the hood – hoodys are a great way to scare off potential muggers. Not only do you feel as hard core as a gangster but you could look like one and if you look like one you might act like one and if you act like one the mugger might think you have some kind of gangster weapon you could bust out if he comes close.

The shoes – if you’re working at a fancy corporation where heels are required then you can probably afford a car anyway, but if you don’t, it’s all about the All Stars kicks. Semi-gangster shoes make you look the part of someone not to be fucked with AND they are easy to run in. If a mugger is surveying his potential mugees he will more than likely go for the Helen in heels who can’t run fast in her Jimmy Choos rather than the All Star Alison who can run away if need be.

Other goes-without-saying ‘get-up´; avoid girly handbags that are easy to rip off your shoulder. Rather wear a backpack and while you’re at it, throw some ‘gun range member’ patches on it.

The Limp – I was going to say the walk but the limp is more fitting. Seeing as you are not on a catwalk but rather more than likely on dirty city streets, it isn’t necessary to maintain a sexy strut on your way to work. Limp! Even if you feel ridiculous, do it!  I have perfected the limp over the years but in order to get you started remember: the limp is not 'I’ve just stubbed my toe'  limp but rather the ‘I’ve got something heavier in my left pocket than in my right pocket¨  limp. It is a difficult thing to master but when muggers see it they know that they may not be dealing with the defenceless beauty pageant contestant. Limp with confidence, don’t saunter and don’t look at the ground either. A tough looking hunch works well with the limp.

Drop some 50-cent – not the money because that is what you are trying to keep away from the mugger, but rather - the rapper. Listen to rap or rock for that matter.  It a good way to make you feel like you are angry with the world and if you can channel that into the vibe you put out then that’s just what the muggers will steer clear of. Don’t be scared to adopt a bitchy look on your face.

Props – a mugger is more than likely to stay away from someone
like Mary Poppins' who has an umbrella in her hand ready to use in the event that someone attacks her (don’t let her fool you, it’s not just used for flying). If you have something in your hand that you could potentially use as a weapon, muggers tend to stay away from you. If you don’t have anything and feel that someone is approaching you, fiddle in your pockets. They might think you are about to whip out some mad mace.

Get chatty  - no need to befriend your potential mugger but if you feel that you are being followed or about to be mugged make a hard 180, look right at your mugger and say something. Anything. Comment on the weather will usually do just fine. If you acknowledge the mugger he knows he has been seen and that makes it easier for you to identify him in a line up if he ever got caught.

Unleashing the loco – this is my favourite (mainly because my natural nature is ‘not all there’). It really does work. Whenever I have felt a mugger is not far behind and ready to attack I unleash the weirdest sounds combined with any kind of abnormal movement my body can make. I can guarantee you that if the mugee looks an ounce of crazy the mugger will stay away. It wouldn’t hurt to make the odd twitch while you walk too.

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